Gesta Lasagnorum or the Deeds of Garfield and Blythe Baxter
by AllGenresDeadProgAloneRemain
Summary: Garfield the cat is somehow transported from the comforts of home and lasagna to Downtown City, where Blythe Baxter, employee at the Littlest Pet Shop, seeks closure on the fate of her mother. Together, the two and their companions must march into the dark of a North Woods ghost town for the answer.
1. Chapter I

Chapter I: A Good Teleporter Gone Wrong

As the phalanx of dawn one Monday morning in May marched over the university town of Muncie, Indiana, Jonathan Arbuckle stirred in the swelling light before arising from bed. Upon putting his feet on the floor, he flexed his back to relieve tension that had built up overnight, as befalls so many of us whenever we have sat down or slept for an extended period. He looked out the window at the horizon as the light illuminated it. It was a perfect morning, or so it seemed.

Jon heard his pet beagle Odie panting as the dog entered the room. This was normally the time when Jon would go down to make breakfast, and Odie approached him the way as always to remind him. There was but one difference, though, as Odie wasn't smiling like he was wont to do. Not noticing this distinction, Jon looked down at Odie, saying: "It's another gorgeous day here, isn't it? Let's go downstairs and make breakfast. I bet Garfield will want—"

At this point, having substantially shaken off his sleep, Jon knew something was wrong. "What is it?" he asked Odie, who was whining. After a pause, he answered his own question, saying to himself: "I wonder if it's something to do with Garfield." Then, he added to Odie: "Let's go downstairs and see what it is. For all we know, he might have had the T.V. on all night, or he might be oversleeping."

Jon and Odie rushed downstairs, where it was apparent that both possibilities held water. Garfield was sleeping, but not in his dedicated cat bed. Rather, he was snoozing in Jon's easy chair before the flat-screen T.V. that Jon had received as a gift from his reluctant girlfriend (and his pets' veterinarian), Dr. Elizabeth Wilson, for the fifth anniversary of their relationship. But just as Jon was about to snap at Garfield for oversleeping and keeping the T.V. on all night, the _Binky the Clown Show_ started with Binky's trademark exclamation: "HEEEEEEEYYYY, KIIIIDDSSSSSSSSSSSS!" At that point, Garfield awoke with a cry.

"Garfield," said Jon, "what caused you to get up in the middle of the night and watch T.V.? I was genuinely worried about you!"

"I couldn't sleep," Garfield replied, "because in the middle of the night, I had a strange dream."

"Was it like that nightmare where you ate the world's food supply and then got fed to the aliens?"

"Jon, you know that's not funny. Besides, it had nothing to do with that. Actually, in this dream I was playing with Odie in the yard when Nermal came along, presumably with the intent to annoy me. As soon as Odie and I noticed him who claims to be the world's cutest kitten, we took cover in the bush, but to no avail. Nermal heard the rustling of the bush and surprised us, causing us to jump almost high enough to cross over into the neighbouring yard before we ended up in a heap on the ground. He walked up to us and said: 'What's wrong, Garfield? Don't you want to play with me? Or are you jealous that I'm so cute and you're so not?'

"'If I were jealous,' I retorted, 'Odie wouldn't be with me. Say, Nermal, do you want to go somewhere fun?'

"'Is this place Abu Dhabi or somewhere like that?'

"'Oh, even better than Abu Dhabi! There's a city on the coast where they're holding a cat show. I bet you'll be welcome there.'

"'Well, what city is it?'

"'Come to think of it, I don't quite know which city, but I built a machine with Jon that you can use to get there.'

"So, I took Nermal and Odie to the teleporter that you had built with me in the garage. Once we had arrived, Nermal asked: 'How do you use this contraption? It doesn't look like any machine that could almost magically take someone there.'

"I sighed and explained: 'I'll use Odie as my demonstration case.' At that, Odie whimpered. I told him: 'It'll be okay, Odie. There's a device somewhere on this machine that can summon anybody who's been teleported back to where he started from in case of an emergency.' He barked, so I took it as a sign that he was willing to try the machine out. Just as I was about to flip it on, though, I tripped over something, which caused me to activate the ignition. Next thing you know, Odie and I were being zapped to somewhere else. The last thing I saw before awakening from my nightmare was Nermal sticking out his tongue, as though it were comeuppance for all the times I tried to ship him to Abu Dhabi."

"I guess it would serve you right," Jon chuckled. "Let's have breakfast." Garfield nodded, but it was clear that he was cross concerning Jon's reaction.

As Jon was making his and Garfield's breakfast, Garfield sat by the window, wondering what he had done to warrant such a foul dream. Had he been too harsh on Nermal? But then he thought: _Nah, Nermal is an annoying prick and probably has deserved what I've done to him._ He then pondered the possibility that Jon was reaching the breaking point regarding his routine of eating, sleeping and watching T.V. more or less all day. But, Jon must be used to Garfield's way of life by now, so that couldn't be it. Hence, Garfield concluded to himself: "Something else is going on."

Just then, Jon emerged from the kitchen with a pot of coffee, saying: "Breakfast will be served shortly, Garfield. You'd better have your coffee before it gets cold."

Thinking the offer in his best interest, Garfield accepted the cup. Indeed, after having a swig, he was definitely more alert than he had been earlier. He had finished his coffee and begun to chow down on his breakfast when he heard a knock on the door. Jon got up to answer, but Garfield told him: "I'll get it." As soon as he had reached the door and opened it, he gasped and clenched his teeth in fear.

It was Nermal.


	2. Chapter II

Chapter II: Kitty Karma

"Another reason to hate Mondays," muttered Garfield.

"What's wrong, Garfield?" asked Nermal. "Isn't it kind of lonely to be the only cat around? Besides, you get to hang out with me, the world's cutest kittycat!"

"Nermal, I suffered much sleep loss because of what you did to me in a dream, whether or not you intended to."

"What would I do to you, except explain how I'm so cute and you're so not?"

"Well, you certainly did that in the dream I had, and then some. I was going to take you on a trip to somewhere far away from here."

"Don't tell me that you were going to send me to Abu Dhabi! I'm over that, you know."

"By no means, Nermal! In this dream, I was going to send you to a city out on the coast so that you could enter a contest for the world's cutest kitten. To that end, Jon and I had built a teleporter to save airfare and other travel costs."

"I still think it was going to be a ruse, Garfield."

"As I said, you weren't going to Abu Dhabi in this dream. I mean it! Anyway, lest something go wrong, I chose Odie as a test case. As far as I'm concerned, he was the most disposable of us three. When I started the machine, though, I think you tripped me, and Odie and I ended up in a heap. Then, we got zapped, and the last I saw before waking up was you blowing a raspberry with your tongue out."

Nermal laughed once Garfield had related his dream. "Teleporters don't exist!" said he through his laughs. "At least that was the case last I checked."

"You really deny their existence?" sneered Garfield, who was now grabbing Nermal by the collar. "Don't you remember the time I got teleported into outer space by spilling some lasagna on that satellite dish that used to be in the backyard?" 

"Okay, now I remember," Nermal sighed. "When will you let me go?"

Garfield promptly put him back on the ground. By now, lunchtime had come, so Jon summoned the two cats to the table. Garfield got his usual club sandwich, consisting of half a pound of ham, six ounces of lettuce, ten slices of cheese and twenty tomato slices between two slices of sourdough bread. As he was eating, however, he noticed what Nermal was eating: half a rotisserie chicken with a side of rice. Garfield finished his sandwich so quickly, having previously been most sleepy. For whatever reason, even this had failed to satisfy his stomach. Hence, he cast greedy eyes on Nermal's meal, waiting for an opportune time to pounce. Suddenly, Nermal became drowsy despite not finishing all that had been given him. He asked: "May I take a nap and eat my leftovers later?"

"You certainly may," Jon replied. "I often get that feeling after eating, too." Jon then put a blanket near the window where Nermal could take a nap. _What an easy target_ , thought Garfield. As Jon went off to watch T.V., Garfield decided to check the mailbox outside the house. By now, Nermal had fallen asleep enough such that Garfield could simply get Nermal's leftovers by handing the mail to Jon. Once he had done this, he made his way to the kitchen and opened the fridge where Nermal's leftovers had been stored. With Jon distracted by the T.V., Garfield was able to consume what remained of Nermal's chicken and rice. He then decided to head outside, and as he opened the door, he smiled suspiciously.

Just as Garfield had made his escape, though, Nermal awoke. "May I get my leftovers, Jon?" he asked.

"I bet you're hungry, Nermal," said Jon with glee.

"A cutie nap sometimes does that." But, when Nermal opened the door to the fridge, his leftovers were gone. He was shocked but not surprised, and he knew who would do such as that. Just then, he saw Garfield taking a walk down the street. He knew that Garfield was not wont to do such a thing, considering his disdain of exercise. It was Nermal's only opportunity to get even.

"Where are you going, Nermal?" asked Jon. "You normally don't eat so quickly."

Nermal covered up his anger for a moment. "I was hungrier than I thought," he replied. "Thanks for the meal, Jon."

"My pleasure."

Once Jon could no longer see him, Nermal smirked and started to follow Garfield's trail. At length he came to a municipal park, where Garfield happened to be relaxing on a park bench. But Garfield saw his adversary and darted out of the park. Nermal had no choice but to pursue him.

The chase lasted a few minutes before Garfield ended up in an industrial part of Muncie. At this point, the simple pattern of streets had changed from gridiron fashion to a labyrinth of alleys and loading docks. Garfield wanted nothing more than to hide from Nermal, but he couldn't since there was no way into any of the plants. Finally, a door swung open for just enough time to admit Garfield but not Nermal, who was now hot on his tail.

In the dark of the plant, Garfield saw a distant light. He knew he must run into it, so he made for it. There, an empty box was lying on its side, so he decided to hide behind it, lest Nermal discover his tracks. Just as he was getting settled to wait for maybe half an hour, though, he heard a release of air, as the light he had found was a semitrailer truck about to leave for God knew where! "Now I really hate Mondays," he said under his breath.

After a few minutes, he accepted that he was about to leave Muncie, at least for a while, so he decided to check for clues as to where he was headed. It was dark in the semitrailer, but he was able to eventually make out his destination by looking at the return address. It was marked DOWNTOWN CITY.

"Hopefully they have a lot of Italian restaurants there," he said to himself, "and no stuck-up kittens, drooling dogs or irritating yellow-eyed clowns. But where is this Downtown City?"


	3. Chapter III

Chapter III: An Unwanted Journey

As the truck rolled down U.S. 35 towards Richmond, Garfield began to wonder if there had been some symbolism in the dream he had had the night before. Was it some sort of prophecy as to his attempts to get Nermal out of the way? By the time that the truck had crossed the border into Ohio, he was regretting having stolen Nermal's leftovers from the fridge. He thought: _If Jon ever finds out, he's going to put me on a diet or send me to obedience school. What if he never feeds me again?_

Finally, the truck stopped at a depot in Columbus around four in the afternoon. Garfield saw a chance to attempt an escape, so he moved slowly and quietly such that he wouldn't be caught. He made sure there were no humans who could see him by moving behind boxes. Unfortunately, by the time he got one-fourth of the way through the semitrailer, the cargo door had been shut again, so he would have to endure more trucking until at least Pittsburgh. He sighed and jumped into the nearest box.

When the semi crossed over into Pennsylvania, it was six in the evening, and Garfield was downright hungry. Even so, he resolved to make an effort to get out of the truck at the next possible opportunity. Such an attempt became possible at a warehouse near Pittsburgh, so this time, he decided to move across the floor of the semitrailer while under the box he had hopped into in Columbus. Just as he was approaching freedom, though, the truck again closed up and took off again on its eastward journey. Would Garfield never eat again?

It was in that bleak situation that Garfield sensed some canned ravioli in the corner. "Hmm, what should I do?" he asked himself. "It's probably uncooked, but it's better than nothing to eat. God only knows when I'll be able to get off this wretched truck. If this is Monday, make the most of it, I guess." Sure enough, the box in the corner had ravioli in abundance! Garfield opened a can with his claws and devoured it. The fact that there was food at all in the truck made this ordeal all the more bearable as I-70 gave way to the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Even so, there was the issue of Jon. Garfield had not talked with Jon since stealing Nermal's leftovers. _Jon is probably worried sick now_ , he thought. _I need to call him the next chance I get, but I won't know anyone in Downtown City who can help._ Finally, at 9:30 that night, the truck driver decided to spend the night at a truckers' motel just outside Carlisle. At that point, Garfield also decided to sleep, so he crawled into his makeshift bed and laid down. Such was the importance of even the most minor comforts in life.

That night, Garfield had another dream. In it, he had arrived in Downtown City and was standing before a pet shop. An elderly lady took him in and put him before a variety of unusual pets. To be fair, there were some typical pets, such as a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and a rabbit. However, there were also a banded mongoose, a skunk and a panda, among others. When Garfield noticed this, he complained: "This is a pet shop, not a zoo!" The other animals, though, took offence at this and started to circle about him. He then saw a teenage girl walk up to the pack. He asked her: "Could you tell these pests to leave me alone? I just want to get home to my owner Jon and maybe get some lasagna along the way."

"Sorry, Garfield," the girl replied, "but that's not very social of you."

Garfield jumped up onto the girl's leg, pleading: "I don't care about socializing! I just want to go home?"

"Where does you human live?" asked the girl.

"He lives in Muncie, Indiana."

"I hate to say this, but we don't serve that area. I believe that you'll have fun here while waiting for him, if indeed he's coming. Enjoy your new friends while I'm at school."

One of the pets held a small butcher knife in Garfield's presence, declaring: "We've been looking for something to supplement our boring diet of typical pet food. You smell like good Italian cooking, you know." 

"You don't say!" cried Garfield. His fur was beginning to curl. "Is this your idea of play?"

"I wouldn't put it like that," replied the pet. "It's our idea of a nice meal for once!"

At that point, the opening of the hatch awoke Garfield from his nightmare. Fortunately, the truck driver didn't seem to notice that there was a cat in the semitrailer as he loaded more parcels onto the truck. Thus, Garfield was able to continue his ride to Downtown City. However, the nightmare he had had would not be forgotten until he arrived at the pet shop he had seen in it.


	4. Chapter IV

Chapter IV: A Tabby in Downtown City

"At least it's no longer Monday," said Garfield to himself as the truck rolled down the Pennsylvania Turnpike over the river Susquehanna south of Harrisburg, "but that was quite a nightmare!" He wondered if his latest bad dream was going to prove an omen like the one he had had the night before back in Muncie. Later that morning, the truck arrived in the suburbs of Philadelphia, but rather than chance the traffic of the inner city for the time being, the driver wisely turned onto I-276 at King of Prussia so that he could reach Downtown City before noon.

The truck crossed the river Delaware without stopping in the Philadelphia area, reaching the outskirts of town at 10 in the morning on the New Jersey Turnpike. Garfield could sense that traffic was becoming heavier as Downtown City approached because the truck was slowing down. Even so, by 11:00 the semi was crossing Downtown City Harbour. Hence, although the semitrailer would be emptied at a loading facility on the edge of town, it would be only an hour or so before Garfield could get out and look for a phone to call Jon as to his whereabouts.

Shortly after that, the semi arrived at a warehouse that could contain the one in Muncie one hundred times over. Garfield knew this from the sound of the engine ceasing. Nearby stood a Costco, which Garfield spotted as soon as he had peered out the hatch of the semitrailer. However, he knew that he hadn't a membership with the store, let alone money to buy food there. In order to shop there, he always had to go through Jon, who was now hundreds of miles away and might become very reluctant to shop there anymore in the wake of what Garfield had done to Nermal. His ideal in the situation was to find a phone somewhere, somehow to call Jon, but he knew nobody who might help him. His only option, therefore, was to try to convince a total stranger to come to his aid.

As Garfield started to make his move, though, he heard the driver of the truck out of which he had jumped scream: "WHERE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE IS MY RAVIOLI?!"

"Oh no!" cried Garfield. "I've been caught and have nowhere to go! I _must_ get out of this warehouse area—but how? As a cat, I obviously can't drive, so I'll have to hitch a ride somewhere. I guess I'd better run."

Despite his weight, Garfield was able to escape the irate truck driver and his coworkers. He ran towards the northeast for as long as he was able, covering two miles. By the time he had gotten that far, the offended party had lost him. But there still remained the issue of finding a phone somewhere—and now, he had digested the ravioli that had kept him going until now. Then, he spotted an Italian restaurant on the other side of I-278. He crossed under the highway to the restaurant, and in an alleyway nearby, there lay some unused bread! It was a bit stale, to be sure, but as with the ravioli in the truck, it was better than nothing. "How I enjoy the simple things in life," declared Garfield with a mouth full of Italian bread.

But then, he remembered what he needed to do: find a phone and call Jon, who must be worried to the point of losing sleep. At that point, a thought popped into his head: _What if the pet shop in my bad dream last night is actually my best hope? Surely they must have an available phone, seeing as they have to have some way of reserving places for the pets that their workers look after when the pets' masters have things to do._ Being unfamiliar with Downtown City, Garfield made his way along a narrow street to another main road called Kent Avenue. At the corner, he found a map of the area, which had been set up to guide bus riders to their destination. He charged down Kent Avenue before running into a policeman, asking the officer: "Do you know the way to Oak Street? I saw a pet shop on it in a dream."

At first, the policeman was confounded by Garfield's ability of sentient communication. But, seeing the cat's eyes of desperation, he replied: "Let me take you there. I've been to that establishment many times, especially when our squad dogs were puppies."

"Thanks, officer." Unknown to the cop was the fact that Garfield was not from Downtown City, while Garfield didn't object to riding with a dog. All that he wanted to do was get to the store and find a phone. At length, the squad car reached Oak Street, and Garfield hopped out at a building numbered 72. It was a modest yet glassy two-story building. This was the edifice Garfield had seen in his dream the night before, so he hesitated to step inside. He decided after a few moments to enter the building.

When he did, there was nobody at the counter. He wondered if it must be abandoned or something along those lines. Then, without warning, he heard a dumbwaiter being lowered. As it descended, a girl of sixteen emerged from the vault.

It was the same girl Garfield had seen in his dream. "I must have some ability to see omens!" he said under his breath.


	5. How Garfield Met Blythe Baxter, Part I

Chapter V

"May I help you, kittycat?" asked the teenage girl.

Garfield hesitated for a time, thinking: _It's Tuesday, not Monday, and yet my worst nightmare is coming true!_ After said pregnant pause, he began: "I normally wouldn't be here."

"How so?" replied the girl.

"The thing is" —here Garfield paused again before lowering his voice to a whisper— "I don't know which areas you serve, but I'm not from town. In fact, I'm not from this _area_ , period!"

"You needn't feel alone in that regard," answered the girl, "as I used to live elsewhere myself. Where are you from, and what is your name?"

"I hate to say this, but I'm from Muncie, Indiana. My name is Garfield, and I live with my owner Jon Arbuckle and his beagle Odie."

"That _is_ far! How did you end up here?"

"It's quite a story, young lady. Before I proceed with it, may I know your name?"

"I'm so sorry that I forgot, Garfield! My name is Blythe Baxter, and I live in an apartment up one floor with my dad, Roger. Okay, you may now tell your story."

Therewith, Blythe crossed her long legs and sat down to listen to Garfield. As I have already related Garfield's journey in preceding chapters in my own words, I have condensed his account to primarily consider details that fell through the cracks of mine.

"The other night, I had a dream in which I desired to send a kitten I particularly hate with a passion to a city far away from Jon, Odie and me. I had oft tried to send him by airmail to Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates, and later to the North Pole after Jon had banned me from sending him to Abu Dhabi. The kitten's name is Nermal, and he often proclaims himself the world's cutest kitten.

"Anyway, in this dream, Odie and I had built a programmable teleporter in Jon's garage, and both of us were playing in the yard; but when we heard Nermal approaching, we hid in the bush, but to no avail. He saw us, and after a brief argument, we prevailed upon him to take him to the teleporter. I decided to use Odie as a test case, but an accident sent both of us far away before Nermal's eyes.

"Yesterday, Nermal came unannounced, as in my dream. Before I could teleport him, though, the morning had passed, and lunchtime was upon us. He got the better of our meals, as he had been served rotisserie chicken and rice. I wanted to teach him a lesson, so I ate his leftovers. When Nermal awoke from his 'cutie nap,' he discovered that I'd left the house so that I wouldn't be caught. But he saw me resting on a bench at a city park, so he chased me into an industrial zone of town. I ultimately eluded him, but at great cost, as I had entered the trailer of an eighteen-wheeler that was bound for this city.

"Why did you do that to Nermal?" asked Blythe. "What's he done to harm you?"

"As I mentioned," Garfield continued, "he is self-centred and vain about his looks. Even so, I felt much remorse as the truck headed onto I-70, and I still fear that Jon will put me on a diet or even send me to a strict obedience school near where we live. Only the discovery of a box of cans of ravioli saved me from unbearable travail, as it was the only food on board. Of course, when I finally disembarked earlier today at the Downtown City Port Authority truck depot over the harbour, the driver discovered what I had done out of sheer necessity.

"A nearby Italian restaurant had a supply of used bread in an alley trash can, so I sustained myself accordingly. The final lift came from a policeman, who kindly took me to this establishment. Now, I stand alone, away from Jon and Odie. Have you a phone I could use to call him and calm his nerves?"

"I'll have to ask Mrs. Twombly, who owns this place and is my boss," replied Blythe. "She should acquiesce, as we would like you to return home as soon as possible as much as anyone with a heart would. There is, however, one favour I ask of you: Would you like to hear my story? I'm sure that you'll find much relatable about it."

"I have time, Blythe." Thus, Garfield perked up to listen to Blythe.


End file.
